My Conflicted Father

I love my dad, I really really do, but he is the most difficult person to be around that I've ever met in my life.  You can't carry on a conversation with him unless it's about making money or hunting.  Those are the only two topics that interest him, and if you're a member of his family, watch out!  It's likely you've been chastised over the most ridiculous things.  Here is an example (and the event that instigated this post.):

I'll start at the beginning.

Sunday was a snowy day.  When I woke up I got ready for church and was running late because I was going to the meeting of a friend because he was blessing his baby. When I got in my car and opened the garage, the driveway had been shoveled already.  My dad had gotten up early and shoveled.


At this point the shoveled driveway doesn't even register in my mind at all.

I went about my Sunday activities and came home.  The first thing my dad says is, "Thanks a lot for helping me shovel the driveway this morning."  I respond by telling him that it was already shoveled by the time I woke up.  This, of course, is an insufficient answer for Steve Newton.  He rants for a few moments about how I shouldn't have to be asked to help and I should wake up early to take care of things like this.... blah blah blah.

Sunday continues.

9:00pm rolls around and I notice that there is another couple inches of snow that's fallen, so taking a page out of my dad's book, I went outside and shoveled the driveway.  He saw me put my coat on, he saw me go outside, he saw me come back in with wet shoes 10 minutes later. He doesn't say a word.  No thank you, no offer to help, nothing.  And this is fine.  I certainly didn't need his help, it isn't a very big driveway, but after it was a point of conflict just hours earlier, I thought maybe he'd notice that I was listening to him.  Whatever, it doesn't matter.

A few hours later I go to bed.

When I wake up Monday morning at around 6:30 to get ready for work the house is quiet like it usually is.  I get dressed, get in my car, drive to work. The driveway looked exactly the same as it did when I finished shoveling the night before.

I work until 6:30pm.

When I get home, my dad is lounging on the couch and the first thing he says is, "Thanks a lot for helping me shovel the driveway this morning."  Wait, what?!  I respond, "I shoveled it last night, and it was fine when I woke up at 6:30 this morning."  He then exclaims, "That's because I woke up early and did it so Callie wouldn't drive over it on her way to school!"  Callie doesn't leave for school until 7:30, a full hour after I left that morning.  I won't complete the minor argument we had verbatim, but here are the summarized versions of our arguments.

Dad's Points

• "You're almost 26 years old."
• "I shouldn't have to ask you to help out around here!"
• "You should know that you need to get up early to shovel the driveway!"

My Points

• "I was the first person to leave in the morning, so had it needed to be shoveled, I would have done it.  It doesn't take that long."
• "I shouldn't be held accountable for waking up 2 hours earlier than I need to in order to beat him to the driveway."
• "If he wanted my help, then all he has to do is ask.  There is no way I'd say no."

I like this example because it shows how frustrated he gets over such menial things.  This has been my conflict with him for 20 years, and it's only since I've matured a little that we've been able to be friends.  Generally I don't fight him about anything, because I've finally learned that no matter how logical an argument or how trivial a subject, there is no way to change my dad's mind about anything.  It isn't possible.

I see on a regular basis the good things about him:  He's absolutely the hardest worker I've ever known in my entire life. It's incredible.  He can go full speed all day long and not think twice about it.  He has the ability to recognize a person in need and goes far out of his way to make them feel accepted.  Every single time I've ever visited my family in Texas for a Christmas or Thanksgiving, there is a stranger at the table that my dad has befriended because they didn't have anybody else.  He loves hunting and fishing and gives more filleted fish away to neighbors and friends than you'd be able to believe.  He has a strong sense of responsibility to provide monetarily for his family (but only the bare necessities.  Anything outside of basic food or shelter is angrily looked down on.  Fortunately my mother is a little more gracious in that regard.)

How is it then, that this man consistently treats his family so poorly?  This subject strikes a deeper nerve other than simply a conflict between me and my dad.  There is a sense of futility about not only my relationship with him, but his relationship with everybody in our family, and for 20 years I've had no idea how to confront it.

He makes my mom and sister cry fairly regularly.  He is critical of everything I do with no thought for praise if it's something he's proud of.  He's so hard on my brother-in-law that in order for him (the brother-in-law) to be happy, he had to bail out of the family business.  I don't know... I know nobody is perfect, and I likely have way more issues than my dad does, but I can't imagine anything in the world being more important than your wife and kids.  Sure, I'm not married and I don't have kids of my own, but I want to be the kind of husband and father that never yells at his children (now before those of you that know me well start laughing let me continue).  It's likely that I may lose my temper every now and again, but if you're striving to be better, the chances are you'll always get better.  And the follow up to that statement is, that if I do fall short of that goal and raise my voice, I can promise that I'll apologize.  I can't think of a single time I've ever heard a sincere apology out of my father.  I'm sure there has to be an example, but I can't think of one.

I kind of regret all the negative things I've addressed here.  Like I said only two paragraphs before, Steve Newton really does have some fantastic attributes.  I just wish some of them would apply to his family, and not just his friends and strangers.  Let me end on a slightly higher note...

Here are a few things I've learned from my dad's example (or from his bad example) that I have, try to, or want to integrate into my life.

1. How to work.  This includes so many different things.  Plumbing, drywall, landscaping, concrete flatwork, and just plain work ethic.  I owe my professional work success to my dad.
2. If your son or daughter comes home excited to show you the 4.0 report card they got, don't respond with, "At least you're not grounded this quarter."  Show a little praise.  Otherwise your children may never work as hard as they should in school.
3. Love your neighbor.  There are so many people that my dad has affiliated with at church and through work that love him for showing an interest in their lives.  
4. Money certainly isn't everything.  If you base your happiness on the amount of wealth you can acquire, then when a recession hits you're likely to become very very unhappy.

I love my dad, but I'm eternally grateful that I have the ability to build off his strengths, while filtering out his failings.  Now all I have to do is find a way to implement the same process so I can eliminate my own many weaknesses.  Then I'd be in great shape...