"I hate it!"

I've been working on homework for hours and I needed a break.  I'm sick of writing about linguistics, so I've decided to write about something that's interesting to me...

"I hate it!" Anybody I have ever talked to for more than 5 minutes has probably heard this phrase come out of my mouth.  I've spent some meditative time on the subject of hate and I've come to this conclusion:  that this particular phrase is a very inaccurate representation as to how I actually view the world.  I know in my language that I've devalued the word "hate" because even though I often get frustrated about any number of things, I very rarely could say I honestly hate them.

My Adolescent Literature class is what got me thinking about this topic.  As we've been dealing with several different texts it's become clear that I am one of maybe three people that give the "villains" in these works some measure of sympathy.  An example from our most recently read novel is Precious' mother in the book Push, by Sapphire.  Anyone familiar with the book (or the movie, Precious, that was based off this book) can tell you that Precious' mother is about as awful as it comes when talking about any human being, much less a mother.  She allowed her boyfriend to sexually abuse and impregnate Precious multiple times.  Now don't misunderstand me, I'm in no way justifying her unbelievably sickening decisions, but as my instructor and classmates were condemning Mama, I couldn't help but feel just a little bit for her.  I certainly DO hate her acts as a mother, but I just can't bring myself to say I hate her... Granted, she's a fictional character in a heavy book, but there is just enough in there to make me think that she may possibly regret her behavior and still loves her daughter.  That's the problem with literature though, you just never know some characters back story or what happens after the book ends.

This line of thought can also been seen in my last post about my dad.  He definitely isn't anywhere even remotely close to being as awful as Precious' mother in Push, but he isn't an ideal parent either.  I often hate much about the decisions he makes, but I still love him.

I guess what I really don't hate is people.  I'm often frustrated by decisions people make, and on occasion I may even actually hate some of those decisions, but I can't think of a single person I know that I truly hate (other than maybe Glenn Beck, but I don't know him personally, so we're giving him a pass...)  I can't even say that I hate the men that are responsible for the murder of my biological father.  In fact, I feel pity for them.

I don't think I've ever really posted anything on here about my religious beliefs, but this topic holds so closely to them, that I can't really ignore them... I'm pretty sure than anybody that would spend the time to read my blog knows I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I've had my fair share of run-ins with temptation, sin, and transgression, and through those experiences, and the repentance involved with them, I've gained a powerful appreciation and testimony for the power of the Atonement.  It's hard to really talk about my personal witness of this without going into details I don't care to share, but for anybody doubting, I can tell you that I have strong very convictions about the divinity of Jesus Christ.  When you've felt the healing power of his atonement, it's difficult to remain hateful towards your spiritual brothers and sisters when they come up short too.

If "hate" is one side of the pendulum, then "love" has got to be the other.  I love a lot of things, but even though I feel like it's easy not to hate people, it's often very difficult to love them.  I have my family and several close friends that I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to say I love, and could list off endless reasons why I love them, but I'm not very good at the whole loving everybody unconditionally scene.  That being said, here is my new endeavor.  I'm going to stop saying "I hate it!" about every little thing, even though I rarely mean it.  Instead, I'm going to try to replace that phrase with "I love it!"  Perhaps it will sound a little pretentious even though I don't mean it to be, but I'm a strong believer in the power of words and language, and I think shifting the way I talk about things is the first step to getting there for reals.  Hmmm.... Maybe I should save that statement for a New Years Resolution since that's right around the corner... I guess I'll use December as a warm up month, and then come January 1st I'll officially add it to the list of things I want to change.  That's fair, isn't it?

My Conflicted Father

I love my dad, I really really do, but he is the most difficult person to be around that I've ever met in my life.  You can't carry on a conversation with him unless it's about making money or hunting.  Those are the only two topics that interest him, and if you're a member of his family, watch out!  It's likely you've been chastised over the most ridiculous things.  Here is an example (and the event that instigated this post.):

I'll start at the beginning.

Sunday was a snowy day.  When I woke up I got ready for church and was running late because I was going to the meeting of a friend because he was blessing his baby. When I got in my car and opened the garage, the driveway had been shoveled already.  My dad had gotten up early and shoveled.


At this point the shoveled driveway doesn't even register in my mind at all.

I went about my Sunday activities and came home.  The first thing my dad says is, "Thanks a lot for helping me shovel the driveway this morning."  I respond by telling him that it was already shoveled by the time I woke up.  This, of course, is an insufficient answer for Steve Newton.  He rants for a few moments about how I shouldn't have to be asked to help and I should wake up early to take care of things like this.... blah blah blah.

Sunday continues.

9:00pm rolls around and I notice that there is another couple inches of snow that's fallen, so taking a page out of my dad's book, I went outside and shoveled the driveway.  He saw me put my coat on, he saw me go outside, he saw me come back in with wet shoes 10 minutes later. He doesn't say a word.  No thank you, no offer to help, nothing.  And this is fine.  I certainly didn't need his help, it isn't a very big driveway, but after it was a point of conflict just hours earlier, I thought maybe he'd notice that I was listening to him.  Whatever, it doesn't matter.

A few hours later I go to bed.

When I wake up Monday morning at around 6:30 to get ready for work the house is quiet like it usually is.  I get dressed, get in my car, drive to work. The driveway looked exactly the same as it did when I finished shoveling the night before.

I work until 6:30pm.

When I get home, my dad is lounging on the couch and the first thing he says is, "Thanks a lot for helping me shovel the driveway this morning."  Wait, what?!  I respond, "I shoveled it last night, and it was fine when I woke up at 6:30 this morning."  He then exclaims, "That's because I woke up early and did it so Callie wouldn't drive over it on her way to school!"  Callie doesn't leave for school until 7:30, a full hour after I left that morning.  I won't complete the minor argument we had verbatim, but here are the summarized versions of our arguments.

Dad's Points

• "You're almost 26 years old."
• "I shouldn't have to ask you to help out around here!"
• "You should know that you need to get up early to shovel the driveway!"

My Points

• "I was the first person to leave in the morning, so had it needed to be shoveled, I would have done it.  It doesn't take that long."
• "I shouldn't be held accountable for waking up 2 hours earlier than I need to in order to beat him to the driveway."
• "If he wanted my help, then all he has to do is ask.  There is no way I'd say no."

I like this example because it shows how frustrated he gets over such menial things.  This has been my conflict with him for 20 years, and it's only since I've matured a little that we've been able to be friends.  Generally I don't fight him about anything, because I've finally learned that no matter how logical an argument or how trivial a subject, there is no way to change my dad's mind about anything.  It isn't possible.

I see on a regular basis the good things about him:  He's absolutely the hardest worker I've ever known in my entire life. It's incredible.  He can go full speed all day long and not think twice about it.  He has the ability to recognize a person in need and goes far out of his way to make them feel accepted.  Every single time I've ever visited my family in Texas for a Christmas or Thanksgiving, there is a stranger at the table that my dad has befriended because they didn't have anybody else.  He loves hunting and fishing and gives more filleted fish away to neighbors and friends than you'd be able to believe.  He has a strong sense of responsibility to provide monetarily for his family (but only the bare necessities.  Anything outside of basic food or shelter is angrily looked down on.  Fortunately my mother is a little more gracious in that regard.)

How is it then, that this man consistently treats his family so poorly?  This subject strikes a deeper nerve other than simply a conflict between me and my dad.  There is a sense of futility about not only my relationship with him, but his relationship with everybody in our family, and for 20 years I've had no idea how to confront it.

He makes my mom and sister cry fairly regularly.  He is critical of everything I do with no thought for praise if it's something he's proud of.  He's so hard on my brother-in-law that in order for him (the brother-in-law) to be happy, he had to bail out of the family business.  I don't know... I know nobody is perfect, and I likely have way more issues than my dad does, but I can't imagine anything in the world being more important than your wife and kids.  Sure, I'm not married and I don't have kids of my own, but I want to be the kind of husband and father that never yells at his children (now before those of you that know me well start laughing let me continue).  It's likely that I may lose my temper every now and again, but if you're striving to be better, the chances are you'll always get better.  And the follow up to that statement is, that if I do fall short of that goal and raise my voice, I can promise that I'll apologize.  I can't think of a single time I've ever heard a sincere apology out of my father.  I'm sure there has to be an example, but I can't think of one.

I kind of regret all the negative things I've addressed here.  Like I said only two paragraphs before, Steve Newton really does have some fantastic attributes.  I just wish some of them would apply to his family, and not just his friends and strangers.  Let me end on a slightly higher note...

Here are a few things I've learned from my dad's example (or from his bad example) that I have, try to, or want to integrate into my life.

1. How to work.  This includes so many different things.  Plumbing, drywall, landscaping, concrete flatwork, and just plain work ethic.  I owe my professional work success to my dad.
2. If your son or daughter comes home excited to show you the 4.0 report card they got, don't respond with, "At least you're not grounded this quarter."  Show a little praise.  Otherwise your children may never work as hard as they should in school.
3. Love your neighbor.  There are so many people that my dad has affiliated with at church and through work that love him for showing an interest in their lives.  
4. Money certainly isn't everything.  If you base your happiness on the amount of wealth you can acquire, then when a recession hits you're likely to become very very unhappy.

I love my dad, but I'm eternally grateful that I have the ability to build off his strengths, while filtering out his failings.  Now all I have to do is find a way to implement the same process so I can eliminate my own many weaknesses.  Then I'd be in great shape...

How does this help anybody learn?

This is just a quick shot of the black board during a typical class period in my Shakespeare class... (You can tell there are at least 15 minutes of class left because there are spaces on the blackboard to fit a few more random words)  Thanks Professor, The Merchant of Venice is infinitely more clear to me now!

50% Mark

I'm guessing that every American at some point or another has or will put together a list of the states they've visited and which ones they haven't.  This weekend I finally crossed the 50% mark.  With Virginia and Maryland under my belt I am left with only 24 more states to visit in order to hit all 50.  I'm 25 and have made it half way there, so it's reasonable to say that by the time I'm 50 years old I'd like to have been to every state, right?  Here is a list of the states I have left:

1. Washington
2. Oregon
3. North Dakota
4. South Dakota
5. Nebraska
6. Kansas
7. Oklahoma
8. Iowa
9. Wisconsin
10. Illinois
11. Indiana
12. Kentucky
13. Tennessee
14. Alabama
15. South Carolina
16. North Carolina
17. West Virginia
18. Ohio
19. Delaware
20. Pennsylvania
21. Connecticut
22. Vermont
23. Alaska
24. Hawaii

I have no idea what in the world is going to take me to states like Alabama or either of the Carolinas, but I guess I've got another 25 years to figure that out (hopefully...)

English Art Class

For the first time in my college career, and likely the first time since middle school, I was expected to color for a grade.  We're reading the book "Speak" and the main character spends an entire school year creating a tree for her art class.  It's one of her only ways of expressing her emotions, so I tried to capture how I feel about my life in this tree.  What do you think?

I'm Back!

I've been taking flak from multiple directions about not having updated this blog since February. Maybe I have an excuse, maybe I don't. (I don't...)

Well, here I am, coming at you with a summary of what I've been up to since February 25 when I apparently last posted something.

1. The Muse concert (obviously). It was blow your mind amazing. I was front row, dead center with Dustin & Lisa Lee, with Rob Clarke not far behind. Scott Barnes was there with us too, but he got separated in the mad dash to the front, so he was way over on the side.  Still front row, but not CENTER front row.  It's okay Scott, we still love you.  Sure, I had some bruised ribs from having several hundred people pushing me up against a rail for a couple hours, but it was definitely worth it!  If you talk to Rob Clarke about the concert, ask him about the Peruvian sandwich he became.

2.  Several movies came out, some that were awesome, most of them sucked.  "The Last Airbender" being among the larger disappointments, and "Date Night" and "Inception" being some of the more awesome shows.

3.  I wasted away dozens of hours of my life watching the Stargate SG-1 series.  I watched the first 7 seasons of that show and I just couldn't push myself any further. (There are 10 seasons I think...)

4.  Following the epic TV line of thought, I also watched all of the Lost series since that seemed like the cool thing to do.  Here is a video that sums up my feelings about Lost pretty well.



5. I took canyoneering trips down to Zion National Park.  Both of those trips were great.  Good friends, good times, no deaths, and only one skunk siting (which is way WAY more skunk sitings than anybody wants to see when in a slot canyon and the skunk apparently likes to hang out under the rock you have to climb down.

First Zion Trip 2010

First Zion Trip 2010

Second Zion Trip 2010

Second Zion Trip 2010

6.  Two of my best pals in the world got married over the summer.  Bryce Sagers & Rich Patterson. No, they did not get married to each other.  Bryce married Maria and Rich married Kate.  Everybody in this story is hetero. (As far as I know.....)

7.  Rob Clarke and I took a trip up to Glacier National Park and it was super beautiful.  Sure, my knees were giving out like an old man and Rob's ankle was still messed up from a soccer injury, but we decided to go on the longest hikes we could find anyway.  Worth it.  (I have pictures from this trip, but I need to put them on my computer and I can't find my camera. I'll post them later.)

8.  Rich Patterson moved back to New York, Scott Barnes moved down to Arizona, Nate Wright went back to Washington D.C., Jon Woahn is back in California, Bob Rich is in Pittsburgh, and James Gracey is living in Korea.  I hate everyone growing up more than I hate just about anything.

9.  My mom, sister, and brother moved back up here from Texas so my sister can finish school up here.  Lots of mixed feelings about that one.  I love having my mom close again, but my sister is definitely a 16 year old emotional train wreck most of the time.

10.  School started back up again for the fall and I'm taking 4 English classes.  Note to self:  Never take 4 upper division English courses simultaneously.  I love reading and writing, but even I have my limits

11.  The other night we had a southern food night and then set up a projector and watched the new Star Trek movie outside.  Everything about that experience was fun.

I'm sure I've done other things but just don't remember.  That's what happens when you don't write about your life for 7 months.  

AAAaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

There is something so cathartic about driving 100mph on the freeway, in the dark, screaming MK Ultra by Muse as loud as you can!

I am so excited for the Muse concert coming up! If you aren't planning on going to the concert, you need to get checked out, because you're crazy go nuts...

I don' care who you are!

Here is a trailer for the new Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan cop movie. Generally speaking I wouldn't wish any Bruce Willis cop movie on anybody, but this has got to be good, right? Instead of a cool headed Asian cop and a funny Black cop movie, it's a super muscle head White cop and a ridiculously funny Black cop movie.

February 26 can't get here soon enough

Car Insurance Discounts

Turning 25 is the best thing that ever happened to my car insurance premium! I just got my bill, and I'm paying $400 less per year. You gotta love that!

Also, I've been listening to the new Spoon album, Transference, and it's pretty awesome. My pal Tim has been throwing plugs in for it for a month now, but I just jumped on board. Give it a listen, you won't regret it!

Speaking of Tim Layton, he posted a hilarious video on his blog a while back that I've shown to all sorts of peoples because it tickles me. Rather than repost the video, I'll just give you a link to his blog post. Enjoy!

Video: Minesweeper

This American Life iPhone App. Best $3.00 You'll Ever Spend!

Yes, the title says it all. Today facebook brought to my attention a 3 dollar This American Life app for the iPhone. Anybody with an iPhone, this is the best $3 you'll ever spend! For those of you without an iPhone, this alone is reason enough to buy one.

You can stream any episode EVER for free, it's got a sweet search function so you can find old episodes you loved, but can't remember the name of, you can email episodes to your friends... It's just awesome. Click on this link and before you know it you'll be rockin' the best app the iTunes Store has ever offered!

Dave Matthews Knows... Yes he does.

I know a lot of people that hate Dave Matthews Band. In fact, if my pal Dustin even hears the words "Dave Matthews" whispered in the same room as him, you can bet you'll get his hilarious (and mostly accurate) impersonation of singer. In honor of all the people I love, and their hatred for Dave Matthews, here is an SNL clip of Bill Hader playing as Dave Matthews, and the actual Dave Matthews playing as Ozzy Osborne.

Even Dave Matthews knows his voice is ridiculous...

Chocolate Ice Cream I Can Get Behind

So, I've never been a huge chocolate fan. Sure, chocolate is good, but I'd rather go with vanilla if I have a choice. This week I was introduced to a chocolate ice cream that deserves some level of credit for making me have to think a little harder when trying to decide which is better. I don't know what Dove puts in their Unconditional Chocolate ice cream that makes it so delicious, but it has to be something that's on this list:

SKIM MILK, CREAM, SUGAR, SEMISWEET CHOCOLATE (SUGAR, CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE PROCESSED WITH ALKALI, COCOA BUTTER, MILKFAT, SOY LECITHIN, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS), MILK CHOCOLATE (SUGAR, COCOA BUTTER, SKIM MILK, CHOCOLATE, LACTOSE, MILKFAT, SOY LECITHIN, ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR), CORN SYRUP, COCOA POWDER PROCESSED WITH ALKALI, COCONUT OIL, LESS THAN 1.5% - CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE PROCESSED WITH ALKALI, MILK, PALM OIL, MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, CAROB BEAN GUM, CARRAGEENAN, CORN STARCH, NATURAL FLAVOR.

Good work Dove.

You've Betrayed Me Wells Fargo!

I have a lot of friends that have been clients of Wells Fargo Bank in the past, and have left because they had poor experiences with the customer service there. Wells Fargo, I've stuck up for you for years! When the criticisms came in thick, I brushed them off with a wave of my "High Value Customer" hand. Then you went and stabbed me in the back. Here's my tale:

I performed one action to bring this headache on, and it was making one deposit. I made one deposit and the following is what has happened in that poor decision's wake...

So I go to Wells Fargo on Tuesday, the 19th to make a deposit so I can pay my tuition for school this semester. I get to the teller line and visit with Jorge while he makes my deposit. He hands me the receipt and I immediately notice that he left a zero off the end of my deposit. I point out the sizable difference in dollar amount and he calls his manager over to fix the problem. The manager notices the amount and decides he wants to put a hold on the check. I tell him that I need it for tuition and can't afford to wait for a hold to clear, so he asks if it's okay if he holds just SOME of the check.

Fine. I don't care. As long as I have enough available for tuition.

The transaction completed, I leave the branch.

Wednesday, January 20
I get online to make a transfer so I can pay my tuition, but something is different... what could it be? Oh yes, the positive balance I had in my checking account the day before is now mysteriously nearly $900 in the negative! Some quick maths inform me that the difference between the amount I had on Tuesday (prior to my deposit) and the amount I have Wednesday is exactly the same amount as the hold the Store Manager placed on my account. Not only is my account missing all this money, but the sizable deposit I had just made is no where to be seen. Usually you'll see a deposit as 'pending' until it posts, but my account shows no such transaction.

I phone my pal Bryce. He works for Wells Fargo, in fact, he works at the very branch I made my deposit at (but he wasn't at work at the time I was in.) I say, "Bryce, I'm missing a whole bunch of money..."

Bryce is a good man. He replies, "Yep."

Bryce tells me he's gotta make some phone calls to see what the deal is and promises he'll call right back. When Bryce calls me back he tells me a whole bunch of bank transaction process mumbo jumbo (which I actually understood since I used to work for Wells Fargo) and posts a credit to my account in the amount of my original deposit. He makes it clear that it won't look normal for a few days because they had to find my original paperwork that they had already mailed in to the back shop. Whatever, there's money in the bank.

Thursday, January 21
Email 1 (6:09am): I wake up and check my email. Subj:Wells Fargo Overdraft Protection Advance. I'm not sure why I need Overdraft Protection Advances when I haven't even made a withdrawal, but apparently Wells Fargo was happier seeing all the money in my Savings Account and all the available credit on my credit card moved into my checking account. I call up my good pal Bryce and he says, "Yeah, I saw that this morning. Don't worry, just call me if you get any service fees."

I'm super grateful for Bryce. He's been a champ helping me out with all this, but the problem is that there shouldn't be an issue in the first place. I should have to worry about service fees simply because I made a deposit.

Email 2 (4:43pm): Subj: Insufficient Funds Notice. Really? Alright. I don't even have time to check what this is about because I'm on my way to school. I call up Bryce and leave him a message. He responds a couple hours later telling me that there were some service fees and he reversed them and assured me the problem would be fixed by tomorrow.

Once again, Bryce is the man for taking care of things for me, but I fear what this experience would have been like if I didn't have a close friend on the inside watching out for me. I have finally experienced what all my friends have and why they've left Wells Fargo.

Wells Fargo, you broke my heart.

Where is sleep when I need it most...?

I tried to go to sleep 2 hours ago, but I'm still laying in bed unable to find Mr. Sandman. I think the Christmas break has totally ruined my sleep schedule, and now my school schedule is adding to the problem. Here's what happened:

Over the Christmas break my work slowed down so much that I was moved to a "part-time, on call" status. Translated, this means, "We don't have enough work for everybody so rather than lay you off we're just not going to call you until the spring. Have a great winter!" Being out of work isn't my favorite thing in the world, but the up side is that it gave me an excuse to focus all my attention on school for this semester, but I'm getting ahead of myself...

So I didn't have to go to work, and school was out for the break, and many of my favorite people in the world were visiting from out of town. This is the perfect storm for staying out late EVERY night. What happened though, is that over these several weeks, I've moved my internal sleep timer to kick in around 2:00 in the morning. That wasn't a problem at all until last week when school started. Going to bed at 2:00 or later doesn't bode well for having to get up at 6:30 for school every morning. The upside has been that I'm out of classes in the morning by 10:30, so I can just come home and take a nap.

As a result, here is my usual schedule. I wake up at 6:30 and am at school until 10:30. I come home and generally take a 2-3 hour nap. I'll then get up, do some homework, maybe go to dinner with friends, and on Tuesday & Thursday I'll head back to class at around 5:30 until 8:00. I'll get home and do some more homework until I get bored and can't focus anymore, and then what? I took a freaking 3 hour nap in the middle of the day! I can't sleep! I thought, "maybe if I just lay down, turn the lights off, and try to clear my mind, I can get back on a normal schedule. False! I seriously laid here in bed for 2 straight hours trying to shut my brain off, but eventually just got on the interwebs and started wasting time until exhaustion hopefully kicks in. I suppose I could do more homework since there never seems to be an end to that, but that doesn't sound very fun at all. Writing blog posts that people don't really care much about is a way better use of my time I think.

25 Most Listened to Songs of '09

Last year my pal Bryce made a list of the 25 most played songs on his iPod for the year and then reset his play counts and started over. I followed suit and am prepared to report on my top 25 played songs for 2009. Here they are.

#	Artist/Song	Times Played
25:	Phoenix - Fences	55
24:	Radiohead - Jigsaw Falling Into Place	56
23:	Loney, Dear - Everything Turns To You	56
22:	El Ten Eleven - My Only Swerving	56
21:	Vampire Weekend - M79	57
20:	The Sounds - No One Sleeps When I'm Awake	58
19:	Andrew Bird - Imitosis	58
18:	Bloc Party - Signs	60
17:	Mew - Beach	64
16:	Blitzen Trapper - Black River Killer	66
15:	Vampire Weekend - Ottoman	68
14:	Pinback - Good To Sea	68
13:	Vampire Weekend - Campus	69
12:	Cake - Love You Madly	70
11:	Band of Horses - No One's Gonna Love You	70
10:	The National - Fake Empire	71
9:	Phoenix - Armistice	76
8:	Muse - Uprising	79
7:	White Rabbits - Percussion Gun	82
6:	Phoenix - Lisztomania	82
5:	Blitzen Trapper - God & Suicide	82
4:	Passion Pit - Little Secrets	86
3:	The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition	100
2:	The Whitest Boy Alive - Burning	107
1:	Phoenix - 1901	122

There you go... That's how 2009 treated me in the music department. Now it's time to reset and restart.